eight

The night started out great. I was nervous, but I calmed down as soon as I met him. Nick and I met at a Jack Astor's that was in between our houses. I decided on wearing a cute off the shoulder ruffled top with black skinny jeans and super cute wedges. I'm short enough that I can pull off wearing really high shoes on the regular! Plus, it's not a super fancy place, so I didn't want to overdress.

Nick greeted me with a tight hug. He had arrived slightly before me, so he went ahead and got us a spot at the bar.

"I didn't want to get a table and make you think we had to be here all night." He smiled. He has a nice smile. The kind that makes you feel instantly at ease.

"So, Caroline warned you about me?"

Nick laughed. "No, should she have?" He raised an eyebrow.

Now it was my turn to laugh. "You'll just have to find that out for yourself."

We spent the rest of our time together laughing and teasing and learning all kinds of things about each other. I could tell he was a great guy. I immediately felt comfortable around him, as if I'd known him for years. He's crazy attractive too. He has dirty blonde hair, long enough that it kept dropping down into his deep blue eyes. They're probably the darkest blue I've ever seen on anyone. His skin was tanned, but I couldn't tell if it was natural, or from working in the hot sun.

Nick and I ended up moving to our own table so that we could order a bunch of appetizers and keep the night going. By the time I looked at my phone, we had been there for over three hours. I have never spent so much time with a complete stranger. We decided to end the night there, and that's when I pulled a Jenn. (face palm)

Nick, being the gentleman that he is, walked me to my car. I thanked him, and we shared a few more words before he leaned down and kissed me. It was soft and innocent and to be completely honest, I wanted more. But, me being me, I went into full blown panic attack.

I suffer from anxiety. Not the kind that everyone claims to have. But the kind that I was born with. The kind that lands me in the hospital a few times a year. The kind that has me up crying and hyperventilating for no apparent reason. The kind that I think I know how to control, but shows up at the most inconvenient times.

I gave Nick a quick hug and thanked him for everything, hopped into my truck and sped off. I was hoping he didn't notice but he text me shortly after.

Is everything okay? I hope the kiss wasn't too much! I really want to see you again.

I called Tori right away and told her I was on my way over. She was the closest person to me at the moment, and I could not keep driving in the condition I was in. Her and Matt met me in the parking lot. He took the truck from me and went to park it, and Tor walked me upstairs. She brought some pillows out to the couch and I curled up into a ball, trying to soothe myself. I have a routine of breathing techniques that usually calm me. Tori rubbed my back and Matt made us some tea.

When I finally started to calm down, Tor spoke. "What happened? You haven't had one of those in a long time."

"He kissed me."

"And you didn't like it?"

"No. I did."

"Oh." Tori nodded in understanding.

"Yeah." I sighed.

"I'm confused." Matt looked between us.

"I'm not good with change." I sighed. "When big changes happen in my life, my subconscious freaks out."

"So the first kiss since Danny set her over the edge." Tor finished my thought.

"But I've never seen you have one." Matt looked concerned. "Did these start because of my brother?"

"No." I smiled. "When we were together, I always felt so calm, so at ease. But ever since we broke up.."

"Sleep here tonight." Tori interrupted me. "We'll have an old fashion slumber party."

"Yea, I'll go sleep at Evan's." Matt agreed.

I wanted to protest, but I know better than to argue with Tori. She's so stubborn!!  I'm so thankful for her though. She's always there for me, no matter what's going on in her life. We spent the whole night eating junk food and watching cheesy 80s movies- which was exactly what I needed.

xx
Jenn

seven

It's almost time to go back to work, and I can not wait! Most teachers look forward to having two months off in the Summer, and I usually do, but right now I could use the distraction. I found out that this year I'll be teaching a grade 4 / 5 split class and Caroline is teaching the full grade 5 class so we'll most likely be classroom neighbors, and we'll being doing a lot of activities together. Fourth grade is my favorite to teach. It's the last year of fun, in my opinion. The curriculum is still quite complex, but I feel like fifth grade is when shit gets real.

I don't think I've told you much about Caroline. She and I became friends when we started working at the same school. She was the only other teacher under the age of 40, so we formed an immediate bond. She's about 5 feet tall, petite, with long black hair and deep green eyes. She's a feisty one too. She's always coming at us with some sarcastic comment that makes us die of laughter, and she sometimes struggles with toning it down in front of the kids.

Caroline was engaged to Markus. They dated for about six years before he proposed. We started working at the school together a year after she got engaged. She would bring in endless about of wedding magazines, and we would both fill up our Pinterest boards on our lunch breaks. The day she came in without a ring and bloodshot eyes, I knew things weren't okay. I called in for a substitute to take over both of our classes, and drove her home.

Apparently Markus accepted a job overseas without consulting with Caroline. His company offered him a ridiculous amount of money to transfer to Germany, and he didn't even think twice before agreeing to the terms and signing a three year contract. When she asked him what that meant for their relationship, he said it could be put on hold. He never once suggested that she move with him, or that they try and work things out long distance. She left without a word, and mailed the ring to his family. My heart shattered when she told me this.

Now though, almost two years later, Caroline is doing so much better. She's finally starting to trust men again, and is actively dating. I think it will be a long time before she fully commits herself to another man, but she's definitely headed in the right direction. It's almost impossible for her to even step outside of her house without a man trying to get her number, so she's been pretty successful in that department. She's also been harassing me to get out into the dating world again, so I finally caved. I gave her permission to set me up on ONE date. If it doesn't go well, she's promised to never interfere again.

I'm so nervous for this date though. We're just doing drinks.. thank god! Hopefully it's quick and painless. I know I shouldn't wish it to be over before I even meet the guy, but I can't help the anxiety ball forming in the pit of my stomach. I'm not so nervous about meeting him, it's just the anticipation of him asking the dreaded "How long have you been single?" or "Why is a girl like you still single?" those are questions I'm not really sure I can answer.

In the meantime, I've been spending as much time with my nieces as possible. (They're 3 year old twins.) I'm lucky enough to be home during the Summer, so we've been having pool days, shopping days, ice cream days and all that. Melissa, my sister, is just about ready to give birth to her third child, so it's nice for her to have some relief from the terror twins.

Sophia is starting to show, too!  She's been spending more time with us lately.. Paul works late most nights. She's about 4 and a half months pregnant now. Both me and Tori have been trying to nark out that whole Paul situation. Ever since Matt spilled the beans, I haven't been as comfortable around him. He may be completely innocent, but I trust Matt more than any human in the world, and if he says Paul's shady, than Paul is SHADY.

Anyways guys, I hope you'll all send positive vibes my way so that I don't chicken out on this date, or worse... start to cry. (I cry when I'm overwhelmed.) I also need to decide on an outfit.. so if you have any suggestions let ya girl know!

xx
Jenn

six

I was going to get on here and talk about the whole Daniel asking me out situation, but I think Tori covered it pretty well. I'll just fill in the missing gaps / give you my perspective.

Daniel is a very beautiful man. Tall, dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes and a typical hockey player's body. He kind of looks like a Hemsworth brother but he's so humble and has the sweetest soul... what more can a girl ask for?! He's also super impulsive.. much like his sister!  I was completely caught off guard by the whole thing, but not totally against it. I guess Daniel and I have always had this unspoken connection, but nothing ever came from it.

I can remember being in high school, going to watch all of his games with Tori. I had the biggest crush on him, but I never spoke about it. He would always pay more attention to me than our other friends, and they noticed it too. They would always tease me about being in love with Tori's older brother. He was the first boy to ever pay attention to me and I liked it. We flirted all through high school, but never dated. We still flirt non-stop, but I always thought it was innocent.

That text message completely caught me off guard. I must have read it 13 times before it finally clicked.

Hey Jenny.. so I've been meaning to do this for a while and I know it's kinda random but I thought maybe if u wanted we could go out one night. Just u and me. Let me know what u think.. 

I kept closing it and re-opening it. I thought I read the name wrong. Daniel Commisso. Nope.. it was from him! A whole flood of emotions started happening. Excitement. Fear. Stress. Confusion. Excitement again. And then fear.. again.

I knew Tori would freak out about that text .. in case you guys haven't picked up on it, she's super dramatic. I can see her point though. If we did ever get together and things went bad, that would cause such a strain on me and Tori's relationship. Plus, Daniel hasn't had the best year. Between that married chick and him befriending my ex.. it could get super messy.

I answered him the best way I could..

Hi! I honestly would love too.. but I just don't think now is a great time for me. I'm sorry.

Five years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to date Daniel. But right now, at this moment, I think it would be too complicated. Plus, I'm no where near ready to date anyone again. And even though Daniel is super sexy, I would feel horrible using him just for his body.

But that's what I need right now. A body. I think. I signed up for Tinder... I have never even used this app before, so I had no idea what to expect. It's... interesting. That's literally the only word I can think of right now. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that someone created an app for people to find their next hook ups.

I haven't even swiped yes to one person! I just think it's so strange. I mean, a lot of people use it so clearly I'm the only one that feels this way! And props to you if you are tindering your way through life.. I just don't think it's for me. I'm all about doing things the old fashioned way. (I love how I've just talked myself out of using Tinder while typing this up.. thanks blogger! )

Anyways, that's where I'm at right now. I'm just one big confused bubble of emotions. Aren't you so happy you follow me?!

xx
Jenn