The night started out great. I was nervous, but I calmed down as soon as I met him. Nick and I met at a Jack Astor's that was in between our houses. I decided on wearing a cute off the shoulder ruffled top with black skinny jeans and super cute wedges. I'm short enough that I can pull off wearing really high shoes on the regular! Plus, it's not a super fancy place, so I didn't want to overdress.

Nick greeted me with a tight hug. He had arrived slightly before me, so he went ahead and got us a spot at the bar.

"I didn't want to get a table and make you think we had to be here all night." He smiled. He has a nice smile. The kind that makes you feel instantly at ease.

"So, Caroline warned you about me?"

Nick laughed. "No, should she have?" He raised an eyebrow.

Now it was my turn to laugh. "You'll just have to find that out for yourself."

We spent the rest of our time together laughing and teasing and learning all kinds of things about each other. I could tell he was a great guy. I immediately felt comfortable around him, as if I'd known him for years. He's crazy attractive too. He has dirty blonde hair, long enough that it kept dropping down into his deep blue eyes. They're probably the darkest blue I've ever seen on anyone. His skin was tanned, but I couldn't tell if it was natural, or from working in the hot sun.

Nick and I ended up moving to our own table so that we could order a bunch of appetizers and keep the night going. By the time I looked at my phone, we had been there for over three hours. I have never spent so much time with a complete stranger. We decided to end the night there, and that's when I pulled a Jenn. (face palm)

Nick, being the gentleman that he is, walked me to my car. I thanked him, and we shared a few more words before he leaned down and kissed me. It was soft and innocent and to be completely honest, I wanted more. But, me being me, I went into full blown panic attack.

I suffer from anxiety. Not the kind that everyone claims to have. But the kind that I was born with. The kind that lands me in the hospital a few times a year. The kind that has me up crying and hyperventilating for no apparent reason. The kind that I think I know how to control, but shows up at the most inconvenient times.

I gave Nick a quick hug and thanked him for everything, hopped into my truck and sped off. I was hoping he didn't notice but he text me shortly after.

Is everything okay? I hope the kiss wasn't too much! I really want to see you again.

I called Tori right away and told her I was on my way over. She was the closest person to me at the moment, and I could not keep driving in the condition I was in. Her and Matt met me in the parking lot. He took the truck from me and went to park it, and Tor walked me upstairs. She brought some pillows out to the couch and I curled up into a ball, trying to soothe myself. I have a routine of breathing techniques that usually calm me. Tori rubbed my back and Matt made us some tea.

When I finally started to calm down, Tor spoke. "What happened? You haven't had one of those in a long time."

"He kissed me."

"And you didn't like it?"

"No. I did."

"Oh." Tori nodded in understanding.

"Yeah." I sighed.

"I'm confused." Matt looked between us.

"I'm not good with change." I sighed. "When big changes happen in my life, my subconscious freaks out."

"So the first kiss since Danny set her over the edge." Tor finished my thought.

"But I've never seen you have one." Matt looked concerned. "Did these start because of my brother?"

"No." I smiled. "When we were together, I always felt so calm, so at ease. But ever since we broke up.."

"Sleep here tonight." Tori interrupted me. "We'll have an old fashion slumber party."

"Yea, I'll go sleep at Evan's." Matt agreed.

I wanted to protest, but I know better than to argue with Tori. She's so stubborn!!  I'm so thankful for her though. She's always there for me, no matter what's going on in her life. We spent the whole night eating junk food and watching cheesy 80s movies- which was exactly what I needed.



  1. I don't have anxiety attacks but understand it's a huge deal kissing someone new. Awesome you were so comfortable around Nick, hopefully something great comes through for you.

  2. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks too...it's the worst feeling ever!! You feel like you have no control over yourself or the situation you are in. Glad to see you have a good support system to help you ride out the storm. Loving your blog so far!!!